


You're toxic, I'm slipping under

by ChaNssi



Category: K-pop, VIXX
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hongbin definitely does, How Do I Tag, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, OKAY HERE GOES, Remember the toxic performance?, Taekwoon being real deep, i'm lost with tags, is it even angst though?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 23:59:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13111332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaNssi/pseuds/ChaNssi
Summary: The one where Hongbin is trying to deal with the impure thoughts he seems to be having about his leader.Also the one where Hakyeon cannot leave him alone.





	You're toxic, I'm slipping under

**_ You’re toxic, I’m slipping under _ **

The used tissue papers lay crumpled on the floor. The bed was messed up, the sheets thrown around, the pillows on the floor in a heap next to discarded clothes. The sound of a steady stream of water flowing down the drain seemed magnified tenfold in the middle of the cold, quiet night as Hongbin stood under the shower head and let the scalding water hit his back. He didn’t seem to care about the steaming water. Disgusted at himself, he picked up the bar of soap and started to scrub himself in hopes of feeling cleaner, but just as the previous two times, it didn’t help. Frustrated, he chucked the soap and decided to just use his nails. He scratched so hard, he almost drew blood. Flinching in pain and in a state of utter despair, he slid down and rested against the bathroom wall. He hung his head low, and rested it between his knees. And let the tears stream down.

He was tired, extremely so. He didn’t have the energy in him to keep going. All he wanted was to climb into his bed and not have to wake up and put on a smile like nothing was wrong the next morning. He hated being fake, but he knew there was no escape. He was an idol and living the dream meant he was under constant scrutiny, where even a tiny shift in his behaviour could affect the whole of his group. And as tiring as it was to look perfect, he had a responsibility and he couldn’t just run away.

As the tears stopped flowing down, he picked himself up and shut the shower off. He dried himself with the towel hanging from the hook and tied it around his waist. Slowly, he padded out into the room he shared with Ravi, not wanting to wake him up and sighed as he realised he should’ve cleaned up the mess before the shower. But then he realised he wouldn’t have needed the shower had it not been for his own stupidity. Silently he made his bed and threw the tissue papers. He thanked the Gods above that all was calm in the house as he made his way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He most definitely wasn’t in a socialising mood and he was especially trying to avoid a particular someone like the plague. The reason for his confusion, the reason for his desperation, his one and only Hyung. He was ashamed to find himself flinch when he thought of the word Hyung. A hyung-dongsaeng relationship was something to be cherished and all he was doing was tarnish it with impurity.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the unnecessary and intrusive thoughts, he grabbed a glass off the shelf and filled it with water. He had just about taken a sip when he heard someone come up behind him. And he stilled. He knew who it was and he silently willed the person to just disappear. He scrunched his eyes and tightly held on to the glass as if it was a life support of sorts.

“Hongbin-ah, haven’t you slept yet? Why did you take a shower now? It’s almost two. You’ll catch a cold. How many times do I have to tell you to think before you do stuff? Come here, let hyung warm you up with a hug,”

He sighed. He placed the glass on the counter before turning to look at his hyung. He knew there was nothing much he could do other than to face him and get it over with. He looked everywhere but at Hakyeon and just noncommittally mumbled a sorry. He couldn’t look at him straight.

Hakyeon walked forward and grabbing a hand towel, began to dry Hongbin’s hair. Hongbin immediately took a step back and instinctively pushed Hakyeon’s hand away. His face burning, he looked down at the floor and cursed under his breath. He looked up to see Hakyeon still standing in the same spot, an expression of hurt evident on his face. His heart dropped down to his stomach the second he realised his mistake. But before he could do anything to rectify it, Hakyeon put on a smile and just handed the towel over to him, gesturing for him to wipe it dry himself.

Still unable to look at him, Hongbin whispered a sorry and began to walk around Hakyeon to get back to the safety of his room. But Hakyeon couldn’t just let his younger brother walk away and reached out to pull him to a stop by grabbing his wrist. Hongbin flailed around, trying to get himself out of Hakyeon’s grip, but couldn’t. He gave up and just looked at the other wordlessly.

Hakyeon held on tightly and asked him, “What happened Binnie? It’s been so long since you properly spoke to me. Did I do anything to hurt you?” Hongbin heard the nervousness quite clearly in his hyung’s voice, along with a quiver of desperation. He knew what kind of an expression would be on Hakyeon’s face if he looked at him. And he avoided that at all costs. Knowing he was hurting the one person who probably cared about him more than he ever could care about himself was pain on a whole new level.

The spot of his wrist that was in contact with Hakyeon’s fingers was burning with passion. All he wanted to do was to pull his hyung close and not let go. He wanted to bury himself deep down in his arms and not care about a thing. He wanted to confess all his sins, confess his deepest darkest desires. If there was any single person who wouldn’t judge, it would have to be Hakyeon. But he couldn’t.

A million things he wanted to say to him, but instead he decided to go with a simple “Nothing.”

Hakyeon didn’t let go. He pulled him towards the table and set him on a chair.

“Tell hyung what’s wrong. I can’t help if you don’t tell me Bin-ah,” there was a hint of desperation in Hakyeon’s voice.

“Nothing you can do anything about anyway. So why bother?” Hongbin said, a little too harshly and immediately regretted it. “Really hyung, I’m sorry but you can’t help. I need some time and I will learn to deal with it, but I don’t think anyone can help,” this time he said it a little softer.

Hakyeon simply looked at his dongsaeng and shook his head. “Even if you say I can’t help, sharing might lessen your burden”

In that moment, all Hongbin wanted to do was to let it all out. He wanted to let him know he was in love. He wanted to tell him it was him that he was in love with. He wanted to tell him about all the dirty thoughts he kept having. He wanted to let him know of the pain he was going through, having to keep his feelings and sexuality hidden. He wanted to get off his seat and grab Hakyeon by the neck and kiss him deeply.

_I’m not okay. I’m depressed. I have anxiety. My biggest fear is rejection. I don’t think I’d be able to deal with it. I want to tell you how much I love you. I want you to tell me it’s okay. I need you to comfort me, hug me, push all the pain away. But what if I do tell you and you reject me? I think it would be easier to die._

“I’m totally fine. Just a little tired. I guess all the practise for Hex Sign is getting to me.”

Hakyeon sighed, but didn’t push. “Okay. If you say so, but you do know, that you can tell me anything?”

Hongbin just laughed humourlessly. “Sure”

Hongbin knew he couldn’t run away forever, but he wasn’t in the mood or the state to deal with emotions right then, so he just murmured a goodnight and left.

.

.

It had been days since he last spoke to Hakyeon. That didn’t mean he wasn’t around him. He constantly was, and that made it worse. To steer clear, he made a routine for himself. He would wake up even before Hakyeon did and would clean up pretty quickly and retreat back to the comfort and silence of his room. Most of the schedule those days was incessant practise for the upcoming concert. So, he couldn’t entirely avoid him. But when they were let out for breaks, he would be the first to disappear. He knew the members probably wondered why he kept running away, but no one asked. Maybe they discussed among themselves, maybe they jumped to conclusions. It didn’t matter to him.

He often found himself looking out through the window, headphones plugged into his Ipod, listening to Park Hyoshin and tracing back all the movements of Hakyeon, all the 180cms of graceful, lilting dancing. The man moved to a rhythm of his own, he didn’t even need music and always left his spectators in awe.

And that particular day was no exception. He was out in the stairwell, looking out into the busy streets overlooking the Jellyfish entertainment building, when his thoughts wandered far, far away into a place he could only imagine paradise would feel like, where he wouldn’t be shunned for wanting a forbidden kind of love. He peered through the glass when suddenly nimble fingers tapped on his shoulder. Startled out of his wits, he turned back to find Taekwoon appraising him with a raised eyebrow.

“Hyung! You scared me there for a second,” he muttered as he took the headphones off.

Taekwoon simply held on to his shoulder and asked in his soft voice, “What are you running from, Binnie?”

Hongbin just looked at him, taken aback. He hadn’t expected Leo hyung to be the first one to seek him out. But then again, the man may seem detached but was the one with the highest intuitive qualities amongst them all. Knowing he wouldn’t be let go of without an answer, he took a deep breath and tried to think of something to say.

“it’s just a little suffocating in there, hyung. I needed some fresh air,”

“Bin-ah, you know that running usually doesn’t solve the problem, right? Meet it head-on,” Taekwoon spread his worldly wisdom and stepped away back into the practise room.

Hongbin was dreading going back in. It was almost time for him and Hakyeon to practise for their stage together, Britney Spears’ Toxic. As if dancing in the same room in close proximity wasn’t doing enough. That particular choreography included even more intimate touching than ever before. Plus, he hated seeing him dance with girls, dragging his fingers along the girl’s shoulders, his fingers splaying by her waist, pulling her up close and her almost straddling Hakyeon only riled Hongbin up even more. He shuddered to even think about it.

Sanghyuk poked his head out from behind the doorway and gestured for Hongbin to get back in as the break was up. Reluctantly, he dragged his ass back in. He had been contemplating running away like he had once done during their trainee times, but then he soon realised that Hakyeon wouldn’t give up on him, just like in the past. He truly seemed to have no escape.

The second he walked in he wanted to walk right back out. All the other members were seated in the corners of the room leaving empty space in the middle except for Hakyeon and the two female back dancers. Fuck he muttered when he realised what song was playing in the background.

Hakyeon was talking to the choreographer about what improvements they could make and what to do with the second half of the performance, but he stopped promptly when he noticed Hongbin enter.

“Bin-ah, come here. We are finalising the routine for the last part. We were thinking of giving a bit of fan service, what do you say?” Hongbin didn’t register what Hakyeon was saying as he was too busy admiring the way Hakyeon’s shirt stuck to his sweat-slicked body and how the thin white material was almost see through and needed to be illegal. He promptly agreed to whatever he was being said, not wanting to make it obvious that he hadn’t been listening.

They got through the part of the routine they are already familiar, getting through being a very insignificant word comparing to how Hongbin’s heart twisted and turned in the chest cavity every time he saw Hakyeon come real close to his partner who’s name he deliberately kept from learning when the entire thing took a turn for the worst and suddenly Hakyeon was walking towards him with determination in his eyes, schooling his features into a very intimidating expression and Hongbin could barely stand when Hakyeon grabbed his neck suddenly and he’s done for. His knees turned into jell-o and he almost fell to the floor when Hakyeon runs his nimble fingers through his hair, fisting his silky strands and pulled his head back.

The moment Hakyeon released him, Hongbin sank down to the floor, unable to hold up his own weight. His heart was in overdrive and he was sweating profusely, all the while trying to ignore the stirring sensations in his lower abdomen.

“So what do you think? Does that work fine?” Hakyeon always, always asked the others what they felt about every single thing before finalising.

While the rest of the members agreed rather enthusiastically to it, all Hongbin could do was to gape at Hakyeon with his lips slightly parted open and his eyes bugging out of their sockets, looking laughably similar to a fish out of water.

His usual reaction would have been to laugh at the whole situation and maybe cringe at having to be in such close contact with another man, especially if it was his leader. But he found himself at a loss and his throat suddenly dried up when Hakyeon looked at him, waiting for his take on the whole performance.

But Hongbin was conflicted. Even though his brain kept telling him it was the worst idea ever, his heart leaped at the chance of maybe getting away with intimate touching, especially on stage and in front of hundreds of people and he promptly nodded.

Hakyeon leaned down and draped a hand on his shoulder, “Binnie, if you aren’t comfortable with it, that’s totally okay. We don’t have to do this. It was just an idea,”

Although he wanted to ask whether they could change the last part, the words that came out completely contradicted what his brain was screaming at him and he muttered, “I’m fine with it, hyung,”

Hakyeon smiled at him, his usual gentle one and told him to get up so they could start to perfect it. There really wasn’t all that long for their concert in Osaka and they were running against time. And Hongbin just hoped his stupid decision didn’t come back to bite him in the ass.

That night Taekwoon pulled him aside and asked in a low whisper, “Are you sure you want to go ahead with the routine Hakyeon thought of?”

Hongbin was taken aback when he was asked such a peculiar question. “Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

Taekwoon simply looked at him and sighed because for the second time within twenty four hours, he found himself giving philosophy lessons to Hongbin, “Don’t take decisions rashly. Make sure you know what you are getting into before jumping into the well,”

Almost as an afterthought, he added “I have seen the way you look at Hakyeon and I understand how difficult it must be for you, but take care of yourself first. It’s alright to be selfish in such situations Binnie,”

And he left Hongbin standing in the doorway of the kitchen, just as dumbfounded as he was that morning when he was left by the window’s side in the stairwell.

All he could do was to hope against his very existence that it was just Taekwoon who had noticed and even more so that Hakyeon remained oblivious to it all, at least till he figured out a way to get over his traitorous feelings.

.

.

Days flew by and Hongbin was left feeling even more exhausted by the end of each day. As the concert day approached quickly, he found himself growing more and more irritated when he realised there was nothing he could do about his ever growing feeling for his leader. He wanted to kick himself when he thought back to the time he had an argument with Wonshik and Sanghyuk over something so very trivial that they had stopped speaking to him.

As always, he was mentally and physically exhausted one particular day and all he wanted to do was to sleep, but found that Sanghyuk had taken fort in his room, albeit on Wonshik’s bed and they were giggling when he entered.

And a not-in-the-right-mind Hongbin was not the best person on earth.

He waited for a while for Sanghyuk to get out but when half an hour had passed and there was still no sign of him getting the signal, he simply grabbed the phone from Wonshik’s hands and powered it off. It was like the devil had come over him and he was moving involuntarily. Normally he would have just told them that he needed sleep but after a particularly long day of having to steer clear of Hakyeon and his gazes that somehow reeked of longing, Hongbin did not even want to think of what those gazes meant, Wonshik and Sanghyuk giggling over girls was the last thing he wanted.

In retrospect, he knew he over reacted when he threw the phone down, but he went a bit too far when he screamed at them to get the hell out.

That had been almost a week ago and he still hadn’t apologised. So that totalled to three - maybe four if he counted Taekwoon – members he started to avoid. And Jaehwan? Well, he stayed away just to make sure he wouldn’t strain their relationship as well.

And that was exactly how and why Hakyeon had found Hongbin seated at the kitchen table, a bottle of half empty soju in his hand, three other empty bottles littering the table top, and tears streaming down his face, glistening in the moonlight streaming in from the open windows.

Hongbin looked up with his tear streaked face when Hakyeon entered the kitchen and in his intoxicated state, he just felt so overwhelmed that he got up and stumbled into Hakyeon’s arms. He dragged his arms over his shoulders and held on tight. Hakyeon, bewildered, stood still for a few seconds before wrapping his arms around Hongbin’s waist to hold up the sagging weight.

Hakyeon felt the material stretched over his shoulders stick to his body as Hongbin’s tears soaked through his tshirt. He patted him on the back and sat him back down on the chair he had previously occupied.

He grabbed another chair and pulled it up next to Hongbin and took his hands into his own and started to rub random patterns with his thumbs in a soothing way.

Hongbin sucked in a sharp breath, because even in his liquor filled brain, he was still very much aware of Hakyeon sitting in front of him.

“Binnie, what is it that is making you push yourself away from us all?” Hakyeon whispered, not really a question. He waited for a while to let Hongbin calm down but when that didn’t seem to be happening any time soon, he pulled him into his arms and cradled his head. “Cry away, let it all out,”

Hongbin had his face pressed against Hakyeon’s chest. With every breath Hakyeon took, he could hear the blood pump into his heart and back out. Hongbin was hyper aware of the warmth radiating from his chest, the way his hands pressed against his head, his fingers running through his hair, soothing him, whispering sweet nothings into his ears.

Blame it on the alcohol or just the raw emotions and hormones flying around, but Hongbin pulled himself from Hakyeon’s hold and stared into his hyung’s startled eyes for just a second before he felt himself move forward and take Hakyeon’s pink lips into his own. Hakyeon sucked in a sharp breath when it happened and barely a second later, realising his slip up, Hongbin disentangled himself from his arms and left the room as fast as humanly possible.

.

.

Hongbin was losing it. Or had he already lost his mind? He wasn’t sure, as he crossed off tiny boxes on the calendar commemorating the last time he spoke to any of his members. And the crosses just kept increasing by the day. It had become awkward between them, so much so that every time Hongbin walked in on the others joking around, they would all get silent. Hakyeon tried to grab his attention a few times, but Hongbin couldn’t even bear to look at him after the stunt he had pulled the night he over dosed on Soju. He hoped he would wake up not remembering but apparently that tiny two second event was deemed so important by his brain that it did not even let him forget for a little while.

Taekwoon was the only one who was still on speaking terms with Hongbin who tried his best to get him to talk, but Hongbin was adamant about not saying a word and taking it all to his grave.

There was barely any time left before they flew to Japan, two days to be exact and Hongbin didn’t feel the pain and loss too much because they were all exhausted by the end of the day and all they wanted was to rest. But that didn’t mean he slept any easier at night. He had become an insomniac and his dark circles were starting to get worse, so much so that even make up was not doing a great job at hiding it.

The night before they caught the flight, a slight knock sounded on his door when he was in the middle of packing. Surprised, he looked up at the door wondering who the hell had come to talk to him. Wonshik had started to sleep with Sanghyuk and Jaehwan and none of them had bothered to get him to talk. Another knock sounded when he didn’t reply, lost in his thoughts, and he walked to the door and opened it. And almost closed it immediately.

Hakyeon stood in the doorway and lightly maneuvered around Hongbin’s hands before the latter could close the door on his face. He waltzed in and began to fold the clothes lying on Hongbin’s bed and putting them neatly into the suitcase.

Hongbin just stared at him awkwardly before sighing and walking back in.

“Hyung, what are you doing here,”

Hakyeon didn’t reply and continued to do what he was doing. He even started to hum under his breath as if he didn’t hear anything.

After a while, without turning, he asked in a low whisper “Binnie, you never look at me anymore. You haven’t talked to me in so long. Why is that?”

Hongbin felt something hot grip his heart as he heard the question and more importantly, the underlying pain and nervousness in Hakyeon’s voice. The hot vice only travelled up his throat. His mind blanked out and he couldn’t utter a word even when he tried.

Hakyeon looked back at him with tears stinging his eyes, threatening to fall, but a forlorn smile etched onto his flawless features. And his world came crashing down.

The pain in Hongbin’s chest became multi fold when he saw his leader, the one almost never let his emotions get the best of him and tried to be the best support anyone could ever offer, become overwhelmed and the reason being him. He couldn’t take it. Before he even realised, tears started to stream down from his own eyes and everything became blurry.

Completely oblivious to his surroundings, Hongbin slid down to his knees and hugged them crying out in pain that wasn’t physical, but equally, if not more, destructive. He didn’t notice Hakyeon come to him and crouch next to him. He didn’t realise it until Hakyeon’s arms were around his shuddering shoulders and the warmth radiating from his hyung only made him hiccup more.

“Hyung…I want …… I …I,” he couldn’t collect himself enough to formulate even a single sentence properly.

Hakyeon simply shushed him, “Binnie, let’s calm down first, yeah? We have loads of time. We can talk. But if you keep crying like this, hyung won’t know what he did wrong. How can I correct it?”

Hongbin was desperate. He wanted to let Hakyeon know that he did absolutely nothing wrong, that this was entirely his own fault, that he hated himself the most, but it felt like the dam that broke wasn’t going to be fixed anytime soon so he just held on to his hyung’s waist, puling slightly on his jacket and tried his best to calm down.

Hakyeon patted the younger while silently letting his own tears streak across his cheek bones.

After what felt like hours, Hongbin felt like he wouldn’t choke up if he tried uttering a few words and disentangled himself from Hakyeon’s grasp to look his hyung in the eyes. Finally. His heart fluttered when Hakyeon’s tear streaked face relax as he looked at him. His heart tugged a bit when he realised Hakyeon had probably missed him just as much as he did.

“Hyung, I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say it. It hurts me to think that you’re in pain because of me and I really don’t know what to do to make it better. I-,” he didn’t know how to convey his feelings. It had been so long since he had spoken up about what he felt, or rather just spoken up in general that using his voice after weeks of not talking felt foreign. His voice sounded weird to himself.

When he saw him hesitate, Hakyeon took Hongbin’s hands in his own and started to draw tiny circles with his thumbs.

“Bin-ah, I’m not in pain because of you. Trust me. I am only hurting because I really don’t know where I went wrong. Hyung is worried you’ll leave just like what happened in the beginning and this time, I’m frightened I might not even find you. I feel helpless,”

The worry and pain lacing through Hakyeon’s words only made Hongbin lose composure again.

In his panicked state, he quickly tried to explain “Hyung, you really don’t have to worry. Remember I had promised that I wouldn’t ever leave your side, at least not before giving you a heads up? I really will not. I keep all promises I make. But hyung, this time it’s the opposite. I won’t leave, but I know you will,” and he immediately regretted it when he said what he never wanted to.

Hakyeon’s brows furrowed and his forehead wrinkled as he tried to understand what Hongbin was hinting at, tempting Hongbin to smooth out the creases in his face.

“What do you mean, Binnie? Why would I leave you? I don’t understand,”

Hongbin debated internally whether or not he should spill it all out. It would most definitely lift the mountain weighing down on him, but it was right before their concert. What if something went wrong? He knew it for a fact that he was going to be rejected, but he didn’t want it to be awkward on camera, at least not more than how awkward they already were for the past few months.

He felt a light tap against his shoulders and he looked up to find Hakyeon waiting for an answer.

He took a deep breath, and before he lost his nerve, he started to rant.

“Hyung, you should probably already know this after the stunt I pulled that night in the kitchen when I was drunk, but I have been hiding from you for a reason. More than hiding, I should probably call it avoiding. I know I’m wrong but I really couldn’t do anything about it. I thought if I could stay away from you, I wouldn’t be feeling things that are forbidden. I tried running away from my feelings, and that made me a bitter person. Not knowing how to project all my negativity I even argued with Wonshikkie and Hyukkie and they haven’t spoken to me since. I kept away from Jaehwan hyung and Taekwoon hyung so I don’t hurt them in the process as well

He stood up from the floor and began to pace the room as he tried to keep the tears from ruining his face again. They were already threatening to fall over. He had both his hands in front of his abdomen, gripping each other as if they were a sort of life line.

“I… hyung, I just can’t do it anymore. I miss everyone. I miss talking to everyone till 3 in the morning even after heavy schedules. I miss having everyone give me a hug each night before sleeping. I miss Wonshik terribly. He’s my best friend and I somehow ended up killing the bond we had. I hate having to smile at the cameras when all I want to do is to curl up and bawl my eyes out, while crying out in pain

He turned to where Hakyeon sat on the ground, looking at him silently, and he walked over to take his hands in his own.

“And most of all, hyung? I miss you. I miss your nagging. I miss your silliness. I miss making fun of you. I miss your bad cooking. I miss your neck chopping. I miss every single aspect of you, hyung. I just miss you in general and all I want is for you to overwhelm me with your love even when I know it’s not going to be the same as what I want it to be. I’ll settle for it as long as you promise to not leave my side. I really don’t need anything from you except for support and love. I may move on one day, I don’t know how long it will take, but I hope to. All I know right now is that I cannot live with myself if I drive you away as well

He hadn’t realised he was crying again until he felt Hakyeon’s thumbs wiping away the tears from his face and leaning to press a light kiss to his forehead. He leaned in to the completely platonic kiss, melting against Hakyeon’s chest. He knew he hadn’t yet directly said “I like you”, but he was scared to put it out in the open.

“Hyung, I felt disgusted at myself when I started to realise my own feelings. I know how wrong it is, but it’s like there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. Every time I came back and had to relieve myself calling out your name in the quiet of my mind, my self-loathing became worse. I knew I shouldn’t be having such impure thoughts, but I didn’t know what to do,”

“Bin-ah, you should’ve just told hyung what you were feeling. Do you know how much it is breaking my heart to see you break down like this?”

Hongbin was surprised. “Aren’t you disgusted at me, hyung? Why are you not? I just told you I have impure thoughts about you,”

Hakyeon ignored what Hongbin said and instead he pulled back and looked at his face. ”Lee Hongbin, I know exactly what you are saying and I don’t care about anything other than the fact that my precious is hurting right now and has been for quite a while. I am asking myself why I didn’t notice the signs. So you like me? That’s okay. Because I like you too,”

Hongbin simply shook his head and looked at Hakyeon like he had suddenly started to sport three huge heads instead of just one tiny one.

“Hyung, that’s where you are wrong. You don’t understand what I’m saying. The way I like you is not the same as you do,”

Hakyeon sighed and leaned forward without saying a word. Hongbin had no time to react but to stay still when he suddenly felt soft lush lips on his own, the lips with the cherry lip balm, the taste of which he hadn’t forgotten even in his alcohol muddled brain.

The gears in his mind started to run into overdrive. He couldn’t decipher what was happening, but he felt his body physically react to the kiss. _The kiss._ Shocked out of his mind when it hit him that Hakyeon was kissing him, and that too on the lips, he became rigid like a statue. When he felt Hakyeon hesitate, he pushed himself forward and finally kissed him back, in fear of Hakyeon’s warmth leaving him.

Ah sweet glory, he thought when Hakyeon prodded his lips slightly with his tongue and he immediately parted them, giving Hakyeon’s tongue full on access to his mouth. The kiss was slow, languid. It was almost torturous, but the sweet kind. Awkward at first, but equally tantalising. He may not have kissed too many people in his life, but he was most definitely aware of Hakyeon’s not-so-humble love life.

Hoping he wasn’t doing it wrong, he slipped his tongue into Hakyeon’s and swirled it around, tasting every nook and cranny. His hyung tasted a bit like the jajangmyeon they had for dinner, but the taste of the noodles somehow seemed much better this way than it did when he was actually eating it.

They finally pulled apart after what felt like hours, both of them breathing heavily, feeling hot in their own skins, taking in as much oxygen as possible, and looking everywhere but at each other. Hongbin looked up discreetly from the corner of his eyes only to find the elder doing the same, and their blushes got deeper when their eyes met.

Hakyeon was the first one let out a small giggle and soon Hongbin joined in and they ended up laughing out loudly, almost rolling on the floor in the middle of the night, at the absolute mess that emotions and hormones had created. And Hongbin had to admit that it did feel good. He hadn’t even smiled in a long while, and laughing with Hakyeon made him feel like he was in paradise.

Needless to say, they were soon out of breath, their lungs having over worked from all the crying and kissing and laughing.

“Please say something, if this isn’t the kind of like you meant, I think I might die of embarrassment,” Hakyeon pleaded with a small voice.

Hongbin stood confused for a second, but immediately retorted with “What if I said no?”

Hakyeon simply swatted at his shoulder and beamed up at him. Hakyeon’s smile could seriously light up the whole wide world. “Oh, so now your sass comes back. I’ve missed it so much, Binnie,”

Hongbin flushed when he realised just how close Hakyeon was standing to him, and tried to take a step back, when he realised he couldn’t move because Hakyeon had sneakily snaked his arms around his waist and rooted him to the spot.

“Hyung, I missed you too,” he whispered, trying to get away from the tight grasp Hakyeon had on him. He still wasn’t used to such close contact. And they had only just kissed goddamit, why did Hakyeon need to cling? He squirmed left and right, and wiggled his ass up and down, when he suddenly lost footing and landed on his bed, amongst the half folded clothes, with Hakyeon right on top of him.

If he thought he was close to Hakyeon a few seconds ago, the position they were in was even worse. He felt hot breath fan his face and he couldn’t understand exactly how his face could get hotter, but it did. Hakyeon snorted at Hongbin’s expression and extended his fingers to push strands of hair that were falling on to his eyes.

Completely absorbed in their own little world, they were totally unaware of the bedroom door opening and of people entering until –

“Uhh, did we come in at the wrong time? Should we leave?” a rich baritone voice came from the direction of the doorway and Hakyeon suddenly shot up began fiddling with his fingers.

He turned to look at the four members silently peeking in and he sighed.

“Wonshikie, you can come in. It’s okay. And we were not doing anything. I was only helping Hongbin pack for tomorrow,”

“We can see how well the packing is going then,” snorted Sanghyuk from behind Wonshik and Jaehwan snickered along.

Hakyeon simply neck chopped both of them, blushing furiously, while Hongbin sat up on his bed and tried to smooth down the non-existent wrinkles in his clothes.

“That’s right, hyung was here to help, but uhh… something happened and I slipped and he slipped with me and”

“Hongbin, stop talking. We are only here because we all heard a lot of weird sounds coming from this room. You should know how thin the walls are in this apartment. Also, the weird sounds stopped for a while and we were hoping you guys didn’t kill each other or something. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if that happened with the way you’ve been behaving for the past few weeks” Wonshik muttered in an exasperated voice.

Hongbin’s happy feelings from a while ago disappeared when his best friend’s words hit him. His stomach churned in the guilt and he didn’t have the courage to look at Wonshik or Sanghyuk or Jaehwan or Taekwoon.

He noticed Hakyeon silently come to his side and slip his fingers into his hand to give him a squeeze of encouragement. Feeling grateful for the support, he looked up at his members, his family and from the bottom of his heart, he apologised.

“Shikkie, Hyukkie, I am so sorry for having lost my temper on you guys. I was wrong, but I wasn’t being honest with myself. I had become a very bitter person and I even forgot how to smile. I know an apology like this is probably not enough, but I don’t know what else to do. I truly am sorry though” He saw their faces morph into a small smile and that relieved him a bit but he still needed to apologise to the others.

He then turned to look at Jaehwan, “Hyung, I’m sorry to you too. I may not have hurt you directly but I know how much you hate it when people ignore you and that’s exactly what I did to you. You’ve done so much for me and all I did in return was to hurt you” Jaehwan shook his head at him, as if saying it was totally alright.

The guilt and negativity slowly started to dissipate as he found his members being forgiving.

Finally he looked at Taekwoon and said in a small voice, “Hyung, I don’t even know how to apologise to you. You were the only one who saw me suffering and tried to help, but I pushed you away as well. Again, there’s nothing I can do but to apologise”

Before he could say anything else, Taekwoon walked to him and engulfed him in a hug.

“Bin-ah, didn’t I tell you? All you had to do was to not run from your problems and there you have it, you’ve found your solution, haven’t you?”

Hongbin smiled through fresh tears and hugged him back. From his side, he felt Hakyeon hug him too and suddenly, it became a huge bear hug as Jaehwan, Wonshik and Sanghyuk joined in as well. He thought he had been happy when he realised Hakyeon wouldn’t leave him. But what he was feeling when he was engulfed from the warmth he was missing over the past few months, it was just bliss. He couldn’t understand how he survived without each of these dorks.

“Ey hyung, I had a line prepared, but you took it all away so easily,” he heard Sanghyuk complain to Taekwoon.

“What did you want to say, Hyukkie?” asked Jaehwan.

“I wanted to be all cool and say, There’s one thing you can do to apologise,”

“And what’s that?” asked Hongbin, a little curious himself.

“Well for starters, you could give me a hug. But this stupid hyung spoiled all the fun,” Sanghyuk pouted, making all the six members laugh out loud, finally together.

Hongbin simply leaned in to everyone and his shoulders sagged with happiness. This concert, he would most definitely not be forgetting any of the details associated with it.

**Author's Note:**

> OOH REMEMBER THE ILLEGAL AF TOXIC PERFORMANCE FROM THEIR OSAKA TOUR? 
> 
> THIS IS MY TAKE ON WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED BEHIND THE SCENES WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITE PAIRINGS EVER. CHABIN.
> 
> ALSO WHY ARE THERE SO LESS CHABIN FICS? HMM? I'VE READ EVERY SINGLE ONE ON THIS AND I NEED MORE. SOMEONE PLEASE WRITE MORE! 
> 
> Oh and the other pairing I need more of is Chasang.


End file.
